I have about a gram of coke in my sock draw. I didn't buy it. I'm not even a fan of the stuff. It's leftover from last year when Mr. Brick was here. “If you're going to party you have to do it right Mal!” the phrase seemed to excrete from him.

I don't even know how he organized the stuff. Sure in South Africa I could do it, I knew enough people - through connections. But here I don't know anyone who does the shit. Here I don't know anyone.

He came in one day with a big enough bag to get us arrested for dealing. Mr. Brick likes to throw his money around. A big bag of coke can bring you friends, however temporary they may be. It was a crazy week especially for Mr. Brick but that is another story.

There is nothing more pretentious than a bunch of people gathering round to snort a line out of a rolled up R10 note. The only time toilet stalls get crowded with out some form of penetration. People jammed in there like a market in Calcutta. Someone always grabs the left over packaging and licks it with the lust of fetish fulfilment. Hell sometimes they lick the note.

Then it's a matter of standing around, sniffing like a six year old with a bad cold. This and the fact that you are picking blood and residue out of your nose for days afterwards is why I don't sniff it if I can help it. People always laugh or comment when they see me mixing it in a little water and hitting it like a shot. But hey it does the same thing and you don't look like a coke head to the rest of the world.

I've never loved the high it gives you. I don't even know why I ever did that shit with such persistence. The first time was out of curiosity. I didn't love it. I didn't become some confident guy. Nothing spectacular happened. For someone like me who has a low tolerance for caffeine it had about the same impact as doing two Red Bulls in a row. One thing that changes – you drink and smoke like a 19^th century playwright. If I ever had a life or death drinking contest I'd do some coke first. Also it seems to magically sober you up. I have no idea if it improves your motor skills but if you've had one of those nights where you are passing out and can barely say, “I'm going to vomit.” Some coke will sort you out.

The second time I tried it was pretty much the same. As was the third and so on. The next day I would always think, “What the fuck was the point of that? Paying over R200 for something that doesn't do much other than potentially make you spend more money.”

But for some reason there is a select group of guys - get us together, put five beers in each of us and it seems like the best idea in the world. We'd even meet up and before the first beer make half-empty promises like, “Hey – No coke tonight!” Then one of us would get that look in his eyes and the wall would fall. If I'm drunk with anyone else the thought doesn't even cross my mind. I guess it's a good thing we don't get together that much.

I have about a gram of coke in my sock draw. I don't want to use it. I don't want to throw it away. That just seems like a waste of money.